The Old One-Two
by vuarapuung
Summary: What if Dudley had been a Hogwarts student? Short and silly.


_What if Dudley had gone to Hogwarts?_

It was Voldemort's final advance on Hogwarts. At the head of his army Hagrid walked in chains, carrying what he believed to be the dead body of Harry Potter. Harry desperately wanted to give some gesture to Hagrid to let him know he was alright, but he held as still as he could, waiting until the time was right to attack Voldemort. Voldemort stopped his army in front of Hogwarts, where the assembled defenders of the castle were mourning his apparent death.

"Harry Potter is dead," Voldemort cried out. "The Boy-Who-Lived is no more. Throw down your wands and surrender, and I will grant you mercy."

One figure stepped out of the assembled students. He was a full grown man now, his blond hair swept back over a narrow face and arms like a blacksmith.

"Who are you, boy?" Voldemort asked.

"Dudley Dursley," he replied. "That's my cousin you're talking about."

"Ah, yes, Potter always did hate his family," Voldemort said. "I suppose, despite you finding your own magical power he never really got over things, and you never really bonded, did you?" He looked expectantly at Dudley, who just shrugged. "Very well, what do you offer Lord Voldemort then?"

The thing he offered Lord Voldemort turned out to be a punch in the face. He'd had a few scraps in his youth but it had been sixty years since anyone had taken a swing at Lord Voldemort, who was so shocked he stumbled to the ground, his wand clattering out of his hands. Dudley strode over and stamped on the wand with authority.

"No! The Elder Wand!" Voldemort cried as the all-powerful Death Stick was splintered into pieces. His cries were cut short, however, as Dudley crouched down and began repeatedly punching him in the head – and art he'd perfected after years of practising on Harry.

The Death Eaters stood in shock, never before having seen their Master subjected to such treatment. Only Nagini sprang forward to help, but Dudley managed to grab her right underneath her head and stun her with a well placed punch.

Hermione and Ron dashed forward, arms filled with Basilisk fangs and began stabbing Nagini in the head until she disintegrated. Dudley gratefully took one of the fangs and turned to Voldemort.

"This is for my cousin," Dudley said, stabbing Voldemort in the head. His last Horcrux destroyed, Voldemort gave a final scream as his life was finally ended. Bellatrix Lestrange, hysterical with grief, charged forward and threw a Killing Curse that just missed Dudley.

"Not my Duddykins, you bitch," Molly Weasley sprang forward. She promptly blasted Bellatrix Lestrange apart, and Dudley turned to face down the remaining Death Eaters.

"Who else thinks they're hard enough?" he shouted in challenge. A lot of heads went down and there was a lot of feet shuffling before the largest Death Eater of all, Fenrir Greyback, stepped forward.

Dudley dropped into a boxer's stance and faced up to Greyback. Greyback made to grab the smaller man, but Dudley returned to another move he'd perfected practising on Harry – a swift kick south of the border. Greyback doubled over in pain, allowing Dudley to wind up for his haymaker, which shattered most of Greyback's jaw and left him sobbing on the ground.

"Anyone else?" Dudley asked.

One by one the Death Eaters began throwing their wands to the ground in surrender. There was a cheer from the Hogwarts side as they rushed forward to subdue the Death Eaters. Once they had all been successfully relieved of their wands thoughts turned to celebration. Ginny Weasley ran forward, throwing herself into Dudley's arms and kissing him passionately.

"Ginny!?" Harry cried out, dropping down from Hagrid's arms. Ginny suddenly jumped away from Dudley.

"H-harry? You're alive," Ginny said in shock. "It's – erm – I can explain."

"Why are you kissing Dudley?" Harry asked. Dudley put a possessive arm around Ginny.

"Well, since I couldn't go to Hogwarts this year on account of being Muggleborn, I've been hiding out at the Weasleys," Dudley said. "They've become like a second family to me, and since Ginny had to stay there as well we've grown quite close." 

"I'm sorry, Harry, this isn't how I wanted you to find out," she said. "It's just, well, you were the one who broke up with me, and I can't help it if I found someone else."

"But Dudley?" Harry asked. "My cousin – I mean, Gin, you could do better."

"He's actually really matured, and he's really sweet and really kind," Ginny said. "And have you seen his _arms_. Apparently it's some sort of Muggle duelling his does over the summer; it sounds barbaric but-," she trailed off and bit her lip. "You can't fault the results."

"Three cheers for Dudley; the Hero of the Wizarding World," Ron suddenly shouted. The crowd cheered and rushed in, hoisting Dudley aloft and carrying him into the castle on their shoulders, Ginny chasing excitedly behind. Harry was left in the courtyard heartbroken and flabbergasted, while Hermione gently patted him on the shoulder by way of condolence.


End file.
